Remberance day; the poppy

So, today is Remberance Sunday and as seems to be my own personal tradition now I have been listening to Greater Love Hath No Man by John Ireland:

Greater Love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John Ireland, Greater Love Hath no man

“Greater Love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” I used to sing it in my chorister days and be deeply affected by it every year. I do recommend giving it a listen!

Remberence day is important to me. I have family, the same as many, who fought in the world wars and I have a loved one that served in Afghanistan. You could argue that I may have a biased opinion on this… but I don’t think I do! Shouldn’t all life be important? Shouldn’t life lost be respected? Shouldn’t those who have served receive help and support through the trauma that they have seen? Shouldn’t any war torn people? Also, shouldn’t lessons be learned from the past? Shouldn’t we learn not to make the same mistakes, decisions and steps that lead to war?

I want to talk about the poppy though briefly. Today is the day that the poppy is worn as a sign of respect and in remembrance of those soldiers who have fought, and gave their life, fighting in wars. During World War One the lands were ruined from the fighting, the shelling, the destruction and effects of war. However the poppy still grew on the land despite this. This is why it is a symbol of remberence, it still grew in the fields where so many people died despite the destruction. In 1921, it began to be sold to help soldiers, and families of those that unfortunately did not make it.

Now today, they poppy holds so much controversy around. People are pressured into wearing them on TV. It now is seen as a sign of the British army so is a controversial symbol in countries such as Ireland where there has been a lot of trouble over divides, especially religious divisions. It is now seen as a political statement, a money making scheme. And that is only some of the controversial arguments out there! Honestly, I am not going to get into them all.

For me, I don’t care what religion you are. I don’t care what your political views are and I especially do not care for any of the politics that it is said to represent. For me, each life lost, or forever changed, through war and conflict should be remembered and honoured. Lessons should be being learned! It is a sad state of affairs that so many years after the war that was meant to end all wars (the first world war) so many lives are still being affected by war and conflict. Each soldier involved makes unimaginable sacrifices. They face fear, destruction, violence and put their own lives on the line in horrendous circumstances. Those who survive have still lost, they are the ones remembering their friends, family, commrades in arms. They are the ones remembering the scenes of death and violence. They are the ones with scars, missing limbs, lost friends, missing parts of their very self. A loved one told me, it is like you need to switch part of yourself off to get through it. You need to focus, and can’t be thinking of anything else… how can these people not deserve to be honoured, to be respected, thanked and loved?

It doesn’t matter you’re religion, your politics, your feelings on war, your feelings about the military. Ever life lost is a sad cost. Every sacrifice made is a huge cost. I will always have a poppy on rememberance day and I will respect the fallen and every soldier I know, have known and did not know.

• 

Good Vibe List

So the last few weeks have been long… And I do mean loooooong! It has been one long loop-de-loop of an emotional rollercoaster. The annoying thing is, well one of the annoying things, is that I am not 100% sure what is making this an everlasting, loopy ride to be on. One of the things I explored a little at my last counselling appointment is basically some kind of holiday blues. A few weeks ago I was visiting my sister, I was with the other half and although it is not technically “a holiday”, it was in many ways. I was doing my own thing, I had a kind of freedom since I was out of my reality. I was having a good time and then BOOM I am back in my own murky reality, the mundane, the same old! I am back to just waiting for the next time I can escape again. In a lot of ways this makes sense to me. Everybody gets holiday blues. It is why people book holidays so far in advance. Actually it is not even just holidays, it is everything – days out, weekends away, dinner with friends, gigs, dances, spa days, sporting events. Everybody needs something to look forward to. We need those moments of joy, those moments of being human, of living, that this plague (Covid) has robbed the world of these months… years now? 

So in a bid to drag myself out of this ditch that I am being nothing more than a sheer misery guts, I am going to try and think of positive things. I am going to make a wee list of those things that I like. Those small moments in life that stand out in a day. Those moments that bring some relief, some good vibes and become the little bits of good that can be found in every day.

Maybe if you are feeling down or lacking in motivation you could write a list of your own? Feel free to leave comments of your own lists or any suggestions of cosy, joyful, emotional life moments. After all, everybody is just trying to feel their own way through this journey called life. 

• Kissing and hugging my cat. Nothing better than sticking my face right into his fur and using him as a pillow. Tickling his paw beads and watching his reaction. No allergy is going to take those moments away.
• The leaves turning from green to autumn colours. The colours and the crunch. 
• The sound of rain hitting off the window pane when you are snuggled up inside.
• Hugging a loved one. 
• Being with your best friend, and second family and crying because you are laughing so hard. 
• That glint of gold that runs through my boyfriend’s eyes. 
• Music. The feeling of music. That vibration that is like you feel the music and/or lyrics… Like you can feel it on your very soul. Singing! Singing along to your favourite song.
• The smell of homemade soup wafting through the house or the smell when you are baking!
• Looking at photos.
• Seeing my sister’s name/ picture popping up and seeing she is phoning, texting, messaging. 
• Spending time with loved ones. 
• Being surrounded by nature. Watching trees and animals, going for walks, taking photos of it.

This is by no means a full list but it is a good start. I am going to keep trying to add to it every so often. On top of that, I am going to revisit it and remind myself that there is definitely a lot of good in my life! That voice telling me otherwise, is lying.

Also, this happens to be self management week. If there is every a good time to do something like this it is now.

As I said, do feel free to comment. There is good in every day, sometimes you just have to look a little harder. Be kind to each other, you don’t know what people are facing. Plus, you never know, you might end up being that bright part of someone’s day!

Packing with Fibro Fog

I am exhausted. I arrived back home from a few days away last week; last Friday to be exact. 

This is the last day of fibromyalgia awareness week and as always I had full intentions of making a post…. Maybe even posts! Plural!! Ha! How silly were my “high” expectations? Naturally, this week I have been stuck in a haze of brain fog that is refusing to budge, an extreme lack of motivation and, quite honestly, an inability to be able to stay awake during “normal people” hours. 

You would think I would be used to it by now, but alas.

Anyway, I thought I would try to add my voice to part of the discussion and do my part of raising some sort of awareness of what life is like with a chronic condition – while it is technically still Fibromyalgia Awareness Week 2021. 

As I have already said I am not long back from a few days away so I thought why not share a little about what it was like to prepare to go away. Spoiler: it is not so easy.

Going away with a chronic condition involves a lot of organisation. It can involve a lot of lists, tears, anxiety and a whole lot of “What if?” questions – “What if I forget my medication?” “What if I have a flare up?” “What if I get lost?” “What if I forget my name?” It’s very frustrating. It often means overpacking and then facing the problem of the bags being too heavy to carry or you having too much pain to carry it all.

Now, I was lucky enough to have two main advantages on going away:

1. My handsome chap was joining me. My dad was going to be with us too. I would have the “muscle” to carry the heavy stuff, I would have the help if I got stuck. I would have someone to cling onto and use as a crutch if I needed. 
2. Our time away was actually visiting my sister and her boyfriend.. My sister obviously knows me, she knows how my health impacts my life. She knows the self care and self management techniques I use. She knows the signs that I am suffering. She has a lot of the things that can help self manage actually stored up, ready to use when needed. Like I said, major advantage.

 You would think this would make the packing and preparation of going away much easier. Truthfully, in many ways it did… However it was still difficult,

A huge challenge in organising anything is fibro/brain fog. I have no idea how to describe what the experience is like that could accurately describe the sensation. The only way I can think of is actual weather phenomena of it being foggy. I am not talking about a light mist here, I am meaning thick fog. The type often depicted on TV and films? The type that you can hardly see anything. The type that you have to fully concentrate on your surroundings. The type that you find yourself testing to see if screwing your eyes up would make any kind of change to your vision, when you are willing beams of light to come from your eyes to illuminate everything so you can see, You know when you see a faint flash of colour, or maybe an outline in front of you? Is that a building? Is it part of a tree? Is it another human just trying to wade themselves through this thick, difficult, confusing situation unscathed? Well this can happen at any time, doing anything with a chronic condition. Maybe not literally, but definitely figuratively. That fog is in your head. That faint outline or flash of colour you think you can see? – those are your thoughts, things you need to remember, the things you have to do. You know when you walk into a room and you forget why you have gone into that room? Ever put something down and forgot instantly where it was? Or found yourself holding something, knowing you were going to do something but have no idea what? Have you had conversations with somebody and your thought instantly flies out your head, you have no idea what you were saying? Have you ever forgotten what you were saying mid word? Have you had to literally muddle through the fog just to find the word you mean? Or plucked out the complete wrong word in an attempt to cover up that this has happened? It is so hard. So hard.

Is it any wonder that planning, well, anything really can be stressful through such things. When you are dragging yourself through murky, resistant territory? Vague shapes and colours come into view only to then be fully engulfed. If you were to do an online search about brain fog it will list symptoms like:

• Confusion
• Easily distracted
• Losing train of thought
• Forgetfulness
• Word finding difficulty
• Trouble organising thoughts/ activities
• Lack of focus and/or mental clarity

If you look at it in an extreme fog like situation I think, hopefully, you could see the challenges being faced. You are scared and fighting your way through this thick, unclear, cloud just hoping you are going the right direction and finding the information you need to be safe, unhurt and hoping you do not forget something really important while dealing with self consciousness if you have to communicate through this time. 

Below I am going to list some things that I had to do that helped me in my preparation of going away. Hopefully it helps others, or at least make people aware of what considerations need to happen by myself and/or my loved ones. 

• Drs appointment/ medication – I had to make a doctor’s appointment about a week before leaving to order in medication. I had enough medication to go away but I would have to try and remember to make the time to order medication when I was away or I would risk coming home to no medication. My medication is an important part of my self care and management routine. I should also note here, I had a reminder text from the other half that I needed to do this. He also helped me work out when it needed to be done in the first place too. This was just my daily medication… I also wanted to make sure I packed painkillers, antihistamines, ibs relief tablets, making sure I was prepared if my period was to start, making sure I had heat pads, creams I need. Oh and just because all of that wasn’t enough, I had an ear infection so I needed that treatment too.
• Packing – I wrote a list. I had it checked and double checked by myself and my boyfriend. I swear he must feel like Santa sometimes checking the list, and then checking it twice! I needed to have an outfit for everyday and I had to take extras. Having extra clothes in my case is essential. I have IBS, I might need a change of clothes, I might need to have clothes that will be looser on a day either because of bloating or pain. I need clothes that I can have layers so that I can add or take away as needed… I have trouble regulating temperature therefore I can become way too cold or way too hot, fast. 
• Travelling – When you are going away, mode of transport is an important consideration. For myself we would be driving. Having the car is always handy for going away because you can just pack things in the boot and it is good for having those extra shoes, extra changes of clothes etc. Last time we visited my sister I did all the driving and it was killer! Driving is difficult. It is hard on my body physically and mentally. It hurts, I get stiff, some movements cause extra pain, clothes hurt, it gets too warm. I get really worried about getting lost, I can’t count roundabout slip roads properly. I get tired fast. All this is hard enough for local drives… but this drive? It is a 200 mile journey to my sister’s. This time I got the other half on the car insurance for the week so that we could share the driving. This was a massive help. The reality of us sharing the driving responsibilities actually turned into him doing MOST of the driving. Actually I ended up just driving to pick him up and then on the way home I just had to drive from his back to mine. He did the rest of the driving on our travelling and including all the driving in and around Elgin for our activities. This also included running (yes, physically running on some occasions) to get the car to get as close to me as possible as I was struggling getting back to it. 
• Self care – have a wee pack of painkillers, antibacterial hand wash, wipes/ tissues in your bag. A bottle of water and something small to eat is always handy to have in your handbag too. I had a bag of snacks for our travels.

Incidentally, these examples are all I can remember right now. 

All I would add is, try and be kind to yourself. Yes, it is stressful and yes you would rather be prepared for everything, but it will work out. If you can remember the main things (mainly medication I would say) then anything else really can be bought when you are at your destination. 

Be kind to yourself and be kind to each other. Everybody is just trying to feel their way through life, fighting battles unknown. They might even be stuck in their own journey through the murkiness of that fog!

Football Family

My family are into football. Infact my parents actually met through going to watch the football.

For years my dad and my sister have tried to get me into football, to get me to understand it. Very often my dad will tell me something football related and truthfully it just goes over my head. I just did not get it.

My sister played football while growing up and a few years ago got back into playing it. I used to go watch her play when i was not working. Now that i don’t working i make it to a lot more games.

At the beginning I had no clue! I knew you kicmed the ball and hoped to score, that is it! Truthfully, I do not actually know much more than that now, but i have at least learned to cheer when the right team scores!

Now i might not actually know much about the game itself, but i like going to the games and watching them. I like watching the team work and support for each other. I like the encouragement and the progress and achievements. I like watching the friendships and the bonding.

Now i am not part of the actual football team. However, i have received support from some of these ladies. I have received real encouragement. After one conversation with one of the team, i went from feeling completely useless to feeling more positive that things can change. I am included in the laughs and the nights out and team celebrations. They held a minute silence in honour of my nana when she died.

And that is so very important.

These ladies are kind to each other. They work hard at improving their own game. They work hard at improving as a team. They build each other up! They support one another. They celebrate birthdays, achievements, the good times. And they are there offering support and shoulders to cry on through the tough times. They seem to get that life is tough and it can throw a lot of curveballs. But they are kind to one another. And help build each other up. They get that we are all feeling our way through life.

I hope they all continue on this way.

I hope they know the impact that their support has on other people.

Also, they finished their season today with a 6-0 win and secured themselves the 3rd position in the league table! It was a great end to their season! Look at me knowing a few football terms!

Tai Chi Fridays

Most Fridays I attend a tai chi class with my auntie.

Tai chi is a form of low impact exercise which combines flowing movements woth breathing and relaxation. It was originally a martial art in 13th century China and is now practiced as a health benefiting exercise all over the world.

With benefits including reduced stress, improved posture, balance and mobility and increased strength in muscles, it is clear to see why it is thought of as health promoting.

The class that I attend also incorporates dance. The instructor promotes a happy armosphere, and there is always plenty of laughs.

I get great benefit from the class. Taking the physical and mental benefits out of the equation, I attend with my auntie. Which means most weeks I get to spend some quality family time with her. After class we go for a tea/coffee and catch up which I always enjoy.

I always leave the class feeling calmer after the relaxation and have a sense of accomplishment. I got up, got ready and went to an exercise class. For a person with chronic pain this is a huge achievement!

I think this class is important in my journey feeling my way through this life.

Here is a photo of myself and my auntie enjoying some granola and coffee while we had a good catch up after our tai chi class!

World Mental Health Day 2018

Today is World Mental Health Day.

Awareness days like this are important as it starts a conversation and raises awareness. It also acts as a wee reminder of how important mental health is. However, everyday should be mental health awareness day!

Looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical health. Days like today remind people that it’s ok to not be ok, and it’s ok to reach out for help.

Signs of poor mental health:

• Confusion
• Depression, prolonged sadness
• Irritability
• Feelings of extreme highs and lows
• Anxiety, excessive fear and worrying
• Social withdrawal
• Changes in appetite
• Changes in sleeping habits
• Anger
• Delusions and/or hallucinations
• Problems coping with daily life
• Suicidal thoughts/ thoughts of self harm

This list is by no means complete, just a start of signs to look out for.

Remember to be kind to one another. You don’t know the struggles that people are going through as we all feel our way through life.

Hospice Care Week

Yesterday marked the start of Hospice Care Week.

Hospices do extraordinary work. When people think of a hospice they automatically think of it as a place that people go to die… but that is not the case. A hospice is also about life. It is about promoting life. It’s about fully experiencing life and receiving the right care and support to do so until such times that end of life care may need to be offered.

Hospices, don’t only help inpatients but they support people out in the community too. They help and support people and their loved through such tough times!

Check out https://www.hospiceuk.org/support-us/campaigns/hospice-care-week for more information about hospice care week.

Starting a Pain Managment Programme

Today I started a Pain management programme. This is gling to last for 11 weeks.

I am exhausted today. I am exhausted due to the early start to get myself out to the programme. I am exhausted as a result of lack of sleep and increased pain levels after yesterday. I am exhausted due to the anxiety and tension held of attending a group setting, full of people I do not know, knowing that there was the possibility I would need to open up and I’m exhausted because I know I have over exerted myself.

Firstly, I do have to say that although I am exhausted with trying to get to the appointment on time, I am very lucky. My sister, Kaitlyn, is an angel! She had managed to arrange with her work that she would go in after dropping me off at my appointment. My appointment was in Glasgow, which is the city next to my town. Driving there myself causes me a lot of anxiety. I do everything to avoid having to drive to Glasgow. I don’t mind driving to my friends, who is in the outskirts, but actually driving in the city is a thing of nightmares! At least it is for an anxious driver. Not only that, I’d be trying to head in during rush hour which would only add extra stress. However, as I said my angel sister arranged it that she would be able to drive me in and drop me off. It would mean having to find my own way home afterwards but I would have no time limit to keep to.

The way home I completely over exerted myself though. I was worried as I am awful at directions and I have been known to get lost easily. My plan was to put on Google maps and attempt to follow that. When I was leaving, a woman from the group, that I found out lived not too far away from me was walking to the train station and said she would walk with me. I thought this was great! She knew where she was going so I wouldn’t get lost but also it would give me an opportunity to talk to her and get to know her some more so it feels less like going into a room full of strangers next week. It was a really weird chat, it turns out we know quite a few of the same people. Small world!

Today was really the introductory session.

There was 12 people in the group. Each person got to share how long they’ve experienced pain, if they had a formal diagnosis or not, how it is affecting their lives, medical professionals they have seen, medication they have tried and by alternative treatments they’ve tried.

It was interesting to hear everybody’s story. They are all so different yet simultaneously so similar. There is something in sitting in a group with 11 other people and finding out that they get it. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in it all. We were all just people. People there trying to find a way to cope! To live! To have a quality life, while living with our chronic pain. And that’s a powerful thing!

Happy Grandparents Day

Today is National Grandparents Day.

My grandparents mean the world to me.

I am lucky enough to still have 2 grandparent with me. In fact, I live with my papa. Actually, I was lucky enough to have 4 grandparents and 2 great grandparents in my life right until my late teens. I know not everybody has that. I know I was blessed to have them all while growing up.

Grandparents play a vital role in educating and molding their grandchildren. I know mine were to me. My grandparents practically raised me, they played that big a role in my upbringing!

I spent my day today with my dad and my papa watching my sister play football.

Talk to your grandparents, ask to hear their stories. They can be pretty funny. They have had a life. Talk about their memories. Listen to them and learn. Learn about their life, their experiences, their family, their lessons! Get to know them and value their wisdom. They were just like us, feeling their way through life. They still are!

Happy World Smile Day!

Today is world smile day!! 🙂

A smile is such a powerful thing, it can change a person’s perspective and make their day better.

Some things that make me smile:

• My family and my friends
• My cat!
• That feeling of music when you can feel it deep in your body.
• Trees. I also like the way the branches look against the sky. There is something strong and beautiful with trees.
• Beautiful scenery. Whether that be at a beach or in the country or even a town/city with beautiful landmarks.
• Music. I love how music can make you feel. I love when there is a beautiful melody or harmonies. I like it all!
• Weaving! That feeling of accomplishment when you finish a wee sample and you can look at it and go “I did that!”
• Having a wee hot chocolate and catch up with my loved ones.
• Watching some uplifting programmes. Netflix is a great tool to have on bad pain days!
• Looking through photos and memories.
• Wrapping up warm and cosy during those winter months.
• Having a bath!

These are just a few things that make me smile. There are loads more. It is important to find what bring us joy. It brings a bit of light to hardships and dark times as we feel our way through life.