Confidence and self belief

I am late in posting this because I was scared it was going to turn into a never-ending rant and I really didn’t want it to be one.

Confidence and self belief are needed throughout life. Confidence and/or self belief is needed for so many activities – presentations, exams, performances, meeting new people, asking a person out for a date, planning a journey, interviews. Really the list can go on and on. Anything that involves putting yourself out there requires some amount of confidence. If you are confident about doing something, you know that you can do it simply because you set your mind to it. You know that you can handle the thing. You know that you can say the right things, find the right answers, look the right way. You are assured that you possess the skills and abilities to get by. Although confidence and self belief are important in life, they are often lacking.

People who are confident are often better equipped to handle problems and challenges. They are more likely to take risks or put themselves out there. They have the mentality and self belief that they will succeed, nothing is going to go ‘wrong’.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E. E. Cummings

That being said, an incident happened this weekend that made me angry. Truth be told, “incident” really isn’t the right word. Saying incident is making me think of something that is quite a big deal, but I don’t know what else to call it for now. It certainly wasn’t, or at least should not have been a very big deal. Basically what happened is, a mistake was made somewhere involving a form. This is not what made me angry. What enraged me was people’s reaction to this small mistake and that my dad got the full blame for it. So today myself and my dad went together and managed to sort out the problem. It took about five whole minutes to sort the whole thing! It was certainly not worth the worry and upset that had been our whole weekend. Also, this big mistake that was all my dad’s fault? Was not my dad’s mistake!

My dad has very low self-esteem and has very little faith in himself. I have witnessed people belittle my dad and point out that he can’t do things, or can not do them properly. For years my dad has been told he is not good enough and now, as a result, severely doubts himself. My dad doesn’t like reading or writing or talking to people. He worries that he might make a mistake, say or write the wrong thing and be judged for it. He double checks spellings, and information that he knows just because he does not have the faith in himself that he is correct. He will ask for help, because he doesn’t want to do it himself in the full fear that he will get it wrong. For quite a while now I have been encouraging my dad to write cards, letters, forms etc himself to try and show him that he can do it. I feel like my dad has not had much encouragement through his life to be independent and do things for himself. Other people did it for him, or instead of him. I like to be there for him, to help support him, but let him take lead so that he can see that he can fill that form in, make that phone call, whatever it may be. I hope that in doing so he can see that I believe in him. I hope that it might make him believe in himself more.

The fact that my dad received the blame for this mistake is what has made me angry. There was nothing to say that it was his fault. Many factors could have contributed to this mistake but the blame somehow fell to him. You would think that the fact we now know it was not him who “messed things up” would make things right? It has not. For a whole weekend my dad got told it’s been his fault, and he has beaten himself up over it. The more my dad was spoken about, the more my anger boiled. People who know my dad know he is not the most confident of people. So for people who know my him to say things in such a negative manner about him, and to him is not right. A mistake was made, somebody was upset and that is ok. That is what happens. People say things when they are angry quite often that they don’t mean. An argument, shouting, swearing, whatever it is, goes on for a much shorter time than the thoughts and feelings that are going to continue. You tell a person, who does not believe in themselves, that they are an idiot. That person can take that comment and torture themselves with it for day, weeks, often longer.

My dad is human, and yes he can get things wrong… But do you know what? So can everybody! He is just trying to feel his way through life the same as me, the same as you, the same as everybody!

I have always struggled with self belief and confidence my whole life. Teachers at parents night would be telling my parents that I was smart but I had to “speak out more in class”. They said that it was important for me to contribute more to class discussions, or volunteer to read out or volunteer answers. I have always been an anxious person and an overthinker. I think this is where a lot of problems can arise. Speaking out in class was my idea of a nightmare! Speaking out in front of people is still my idea of a nightmare! The very thought of it makes me feel sick. If a person lacks confidence, they may be reluctant to put themselves out there, and that is due to fear and worry. All sort of thoughts and worries can attack you, all those “what if” thoughts. “What if I say the wrong thing?”, “What if I stutter?”, “What if I fall in front of everyone?”, “What if I mess up?”, “What if they laugh at me?”, “What is I spontaneously combust?”, “What if I bore people?”, “What if they throw things at me?”, “What if they try and kill me”… The “what if” questions can create huge obstacles for people. They can range from anything from fairly realistic and acceptable worries to “dramatic” and unrealistic.

Fear and worry largely contribute to stress. This can in turn lead to problems such as insomnia, achy muscles, stomach problems, appetite problems, headaches, lead to alcohol or other substance use. All of this is hard in itself. If you then consider that people can experience this on top of a condition or illness you can hopefully get an idea on how dangerous lacking in confidence and self esteem can be.

If you know a person has low self esteem and confidence issues, don’t make them feel worse about themselves. Don’t belittle them. Don’t give them more ammunition that they are going to go away and torture themselves with. Show a little empathy. It’s ok to get annoyed. Just make sure that person knows you were saying that in the moment. Don’t let them think that they can do nothing right. Don’t let them think that they are worthless.

If you don’t know the person, just try and be a kind person. Still try and be empathetic. You don’t know what demons that person is fighting. A small comment can shatter a person’s feelings of self worth. It can evaporate any drop of confidence they have which in turn can affect that person’s life in a huge way.

It would just be great if people could spend time building each other up instead of tearing each other down. Tell people that they can do things. Praise people for their efforts! Tell people that they are awesome, cause at some point they could believe it and you’ve increased a person’s self worth and belief in themselves. Nobody know’s the kind of positive impact this will have on a person’s life. It works! I often tell my cousin Donald that he is awesome. He tells me that I am awesome. Do you know what has happened? There are times now that I am more willing to try things. There are times now that I have managed to do something, all because Donald has told me that I am awesome and I know that he believes in me, which has made me consider that maybe I can do. For example, him believing in me made me think that I could blog. I could give myself a voice. I can do this. Small things can be so impactful upon life, and can do wonders for feelings of self worth and confidence.

You are all awesome! Try and be kind to other people. Help each other feel through life and grow and develop each other’s self worth and confidence.

Celebrations

So far this month there has been quite a few celebratory events occurring in my life. Just like everybody else I look forward to events worth celebrating. There is nothing better than gathering with loved ones to celebrate milestones, achievements, birthdays, anniversaries, anything really. Celebrating creates memories, which more often than not become life’s most precious moments. Although I look forward to celebrations there is a part of me that dreads them. I worry about how my body will react at occasions. Will my pain levels stay at a level that I can cope with? What are people going to think/say about me if I have to leave early, if I cry, if I get overly anxious? The stress from this alone can bring about some not very nice symptoms. It’s a difficult cycle of stress. Even with this feeling of dread, spending the time celebrating with my family and friends create precious memories to be treasured throughout life.

My Birthday

This year I wasn’t in a celebrating mood. It was my first birthday without my nana here, I am in the middle of a flare up and I was in constant pain. I am not one to usually freak out about age but I felt so exhausted and my pain was really bad that I felt old, add that to the phrase “turning a quarter of a century” I really was not in a celebrating mood.

My best friend, Claire, told me that I had to do something for my birthday. She said I deserved to celebrate. I’m so glad she insisted I do something to mark my birthday, as I ended up having a really nice few days. Yes, days! Plural!

On the night of my birthday Claire, my sister Kaitlyn and her boyfriend Connall and myself went out for dinner. Afterwards we came back home where Kaitlyn surprised me with a birthday cake. We all had a good laugh as she started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and she accidentally blew the candles out. She just stopped, turned around and went and lit the candles again and started over while pretending that this was not a second attempt. Kaitlyn’s reaction is what made the moment so funny. Afterwards we all watched Moana and had a laugh and cry together. I was very sore and had to move about a lot whilst trying to get myself into a position that I had the least amount of pain. My movements were not helping in the slightest, however I was in the house and I was with my loved ones so it was ok not to be fully ok!

The next day I was treated out to lunch by my big cousin. I was only out a short time but I had a lovely time catching up. She seemed to know when I could not take much more and took me home. I had to go and lie down, as I was exhausted and in quite a bit of pain, for a while but I was glad that yet again, I had such a nice time with a loved one.

The day after that myself, Claire and my good friends Hazel and Cat met up and had dinner together. It was so good spending some quality time with them. It is not very often that we all get together. That day was difficult, after the last two days I was very tired. It felt like lightning bolts were being shot down my back. The girls were amazing, they understood that I was sore and they also took into consideration that I hadn’t been wanting to celebrate my birthday. The plan was dinner and cinema but the plans were flexible. They told me that the plan was all depending on how I was feeling. If I was too sore to go and sit through the cinema then we were not going to go to the cinema. It meant so much to me! Especially when earlier on that day I was messaging them that I couldn’t make it. I’m glad I went. I’m glad the girls were flexible and went with the flow, just feeling our way through the occasion with no set in stone plans.

The next night I went a walk with my other big cousin. He gave me my birthday gift and we had a good time walking and talking. He let me set the pace for the walk and nearing the end of the walk I was struggling and he linked arms with me and supported me right to my door.

All the gifts I got for my birthday were perfect. They were all about self care and activities that I enjoy, that I find calming. I really am lucky that I have the most considerate people in my life. They walk at my pace (no matter how slow that they find it), they seem to understand that I maybe cannot spend very long out with them before I have to leave, they understand that I may need some extra help while out or I may get emotional and still they stick by me!

Kaitlyn’s Graduation

This year has not been the easiest year for Kaitlyn. It was her honours year at uni so she already knew it was going to be quite tough. During this time, life seemed to just throw so much at her – hardships at work, getting a new job, going through a breakup, starting a new relationship, helping care for my nana, helping to care for me, the death of my nana. All of that is difficult in themselves without adding in being a fourth year student. However, she has managed to overcome everything and passed her course. This week she graduated. I could not have been any more proud of her. She looked absolutely beautiful! She picked an off the shoulder shirt and a classic straight skirt which was a fabulous combination. During the run up to her graduation day, she asked me if I was going to be ok at the graduation, she did not want me getting too sore. How amazing is my sister? I replied to her that I did not care how much pain I was in, I was going to be at her graduation no matter what. The graduation ceremony took place in a church. To get into the church there is a lot of stairs, and the pews are not exactly comfy. I was also rather ‘foggy’ that day. I accused my dad of moving my booklet with the graduation order when it was in fact me who had placed it where it was just minutes before. I was one very proud big sister hearing Kaitlyn’s name being called and watching her cross the platform to be capped and to get her hood and degree. A tear may have been shed…. Any pain I experienced that day was worth it! No way was my conditions taking away such an important event for my sister away!

After the graduation ceremony and reception we came home and all of us changed straight out of our formal clothes and into comfy clothes. Formal clothing was not designed for people in chronic pain. It’s heavy, and thick and it was such a relief to get it off (I was wearing a tailored dress). We all then went out to dinner together in comfort and then Kaitlyn and Connall went off as they had their own plans.

A work mate’s birthday

A girl I work with will be turning 21 in a few days. For the past month or so there has been a lot of secret chats discussing ideas of gifts and a night out was planned. I knew that the way my condition is at the moment that I would not survive a whole night, and I did not want to put a damper on any of the celebrations. So I said from the offset that I would only attend the dinner and not the ‘few drinks’ that would follow. The plan was that she would know that she was going out for dinner with a few people. Everybody else, myself included, had told her that we were unable to join her on a night out for one reason or another. Then when she came into the restaurant there would be a big bunch of us sitting there to surprise her. Somehow, the secret was kept and she was indeed surprised when she arrived at the restaurant. I was so glad to be part of celebrations for her birthday.

My tummy had not been very good that day. It had been making a lot of dangerous noises and doing flips all day. I was exhausted, showering took so much energy from me that I had to lie down a large chunk of the day until I really had to get ready. Despite this and the pain that I was in, I managed to get my hair to a fairly presentable state, put on a dress and I even managed to put my make-up on. I felt somewhat presentable when I left the house. I did not look so presentable when I came home. After the dinner I managed to walk, with some support from my team leader, from the restaurant to the first pub in their plan for the evening where Kaitlyn came to pick me up to take me home. When I got home I took a wee selfie, as you do, and it is shocking the amount I changed in not even being out the house for two whole hours. My make-up was a mess and smudged, I had massive bags under my eyes from being so fatigued (clearly not helped by the smudged eyeliner and mascara!). I thought I looked like I had been out all night drinking… All I did was go out for dinner! It was enough to take it out of me!

Fibromyalgia sucks! People see a young person, and they do not see anything “wrong” with me. People think you are being dramatic if you say you’re tired, or sore at my age. They don’t see the chronic pain and don’t understand the fatigue.

All this celebrating has taken its toll on me. I am so exhausted, I am walking funny, the pain I am has increased and I have had to spend a lot of time resting. However, through these celebrations, even if I was only able to go out and join in for a short while, I have had such a laugh and felt so much warmth from the people that I spent time with. Yes, it all made me anxious. Yes, it all gave me a lot of pain. Yes, it sucked a lot of energy from me and took a lot of effort. Yes, I was nearly cut short when needing the toilet. Yes, I had to leave celebrations early. Yes, I have had to spend a lot more time resting and I have had to spend time not being able to move. But do you know what? It has been worth it! I managed to help celebrate with my friends and family and that has been great!

If you have a ‘condition’ any kind of condition, visible or not, when occasions arise that should be celebrated, if you are able to get out to join in, GO! Attend that dinner, attend that pub, go and join in. Even if you can only go for a short while and have to leave early. Even if it looks like you will just be there fidgeting, when really you’re trying to find a position that your body is not screaming at you. Go and make those precious memories. However, if you cannot go, try and be kind to yourself! Do not beat yourself up about it. Send that message or make that call letting that loved one know that you love them but unfortunately can’t make it out but you hope that they enjoy their time. Hopefully they will understand, it is ok, not to be ok! After all, there is always time to celebrate some other way, some other time. Plus, you never know, the celebration might just end up spreading itself out over time just like my birthday did over various days!

 

Grief from the passing of a loved one…

Download Quote About Death Of A Loved One | Homean Quotes Death Of A Loved One Quote

(*disclaimer: I do not know who to give credit to for this image, I found it on Google images)

 

A loved one passing away is always a difficult time. In fact, the death of a loved one of the higher scoring life events in the social readjustment rating scale (commonly known as the Holmes and Rahe stressor scale) scoring 63.

On the morning of 21st of May a very important and special person in my life passed away – my nana. My nana was a major part of my life. She was always there for me and stuck up for me when it felt like the rest of the world was against me. She helped raise me. Actually, at times she was my primary care giver. I can honestly say I am the person I am today thanks to her. I am still here thanks to her.

Many different emotions can occur from a bereavement – shock, anger, guilt, sadness, emptiness, even relief. It is important to remember that this is natural. Even when you know that a person is dying, their death is still a shock. My nana had cancer. It was in her lungs, adrenal glands and they thought that it may have spread to her brain. She went into a hospice as her kidneys were shutting down and thanks to the hard work from all the staff they managed to get them to normal function again. As a result we got an extra month to spend with her. We were told that they could not give us a length of time at that point, but we knew that we did not have long. Still, when that change happened and it became clear that my nana was dying it was a huge shock. It still knocks you over. No matter how much time you have “to prepare” nothing actually takes away that gut-wrenching, devastating shock that takes over your whole body when your loved one is dying/dies.

People tend to find that the first few months after losing a loved one is spent doing practical things – getting affairs sorted, arranging the funeral, sorting out the will. It can be a while afterwards when your loss finally hits you properly.

While grief is universal it differs from person to person. It is solely unique to each person, and the relationship that you lost. That being said there is a basic model of stages of grief that is used. In 1969, Kübler-Ross introduced a model with several stages of grief. Typically this is known as the seven stages of grief or the five stages of grief. These stages are shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance and hope. People talk about the five stages of grief which is shock and denial being blocked together and bargaining and guilt put together.

The Seven Stages of Grief:

  • Shock and disbelief
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Guilt
  • Depression
  • Acceptance and Hope

The Five Stages of Grief:

  • Denial/ Shock/ Disbelief
  • Anger
  • Bargaining/Guilt
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

Although this model is accepted, not everybody who grieves experiences every stage and there is no “correct” order to go through. This is a psychological framework to better understand grief and to hopefully help support people who are grieving.

No matter how your grief manifests, and you get hit with that wave of strong emotion remember there is no “correct” way, allow yourself the time to feel, to process and talk about your feelings. Talking about your feelings can help. Ask for help and support. Whether that be from loved ones, your doctor, a counsellor, some kind of bereavement service, if you need help ask for it! Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is the opposite, it can make you stronger. It can strengthen bonds, makes things easier for you, help you cope. Keep in mind their is no instant fix. You need to experience grief your way and do what you have to do to begin to heal.

As a side note, if you want more information about the Holmes and Rahe Scale or the Stages of Grieving. Look them up, there is loads of information out there!

Also if you are struggling, please do reach out for help. It really can make a difference.