Is my ‘anger’ actually my anxiety?

Is my anger actually anxiety based?

Truth be told, I don’t know… But it could be? It’s something I’m thinking about though.

Recently I’ve been getting… angry? Angry isn’t the right word, but it’s the closest thing I can use to describe the feeling. I don’t know if there is a word that can fully describe this feeling.

There’s not a particular thing that I am angry about. It is just a feeling. It is like lava. When I have this ‘angry’ feeling there is just this thick, simmering feeling. It’s just sitting there bubbling away, waiting to set a spark at any point. It just wants to erupt and engulf me in this hot, smothering feeling.

I know anxiety can manifest in many ways. Is this feeling my anxiety manifesting itself in a new way? I don’t know, but I am going to be looking into it!

Treat each other with respect and look after one another, you never know what a person is going through.

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#RescueMe

This morning, my sister sent me a link to the new Thirty Seconds to Mars song, Rescue Me.

Go check it out at: https://youtu.be/yEWb6bsd5lo

I always enjoy it when my sister sends me a wee link from YouTube. She’ll send me a link because it’s about something I like, it might be something she likes, it’s something she thinks is funny or strange. Either way, it is always something she wants to share with me! In this case, it is something we both like! We both love Thirty seconds to Mars and have been to see them live on numerous occasions.

So the official video for Rescue Me was released on YouTube today, so naturally Kaitlyn sent me the link.

The video is beautiful! It is simple in design, which I feel gives it a strong impact. The song itself hit me hard the first time I heard it. Thirty seconds to Mars has very many powerful lyrics. So many of their lyrics stand out to me and have personal meaning to me and my own life. Like so many of their songs throughout the years, this song has become important to me. It sticks with me. The lyrics and the music resonates with me. I mean, “Rescue me from the demons in my mind,” as a person with chronic health issues, these words resonate strongly. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I have wanted saving from myself. People fight their inner demons everyday.

As well as the massive impact the lyrics and music themselves have had, I really liked what was written in the description box!

“Rescue Me is a song about pain, a song about empowerment, a song about faith, and a song about freedom.

Freedom from the wreckage of your past. Freedom from the bondage of self. And freedom to embrace all the promises that life has to offer.

It’s also a song about the brutal war so many of us wage against fear, depression and anxiety in the hope that we might, one day, live a life filled with happiness and dreams.

Pain does not discriminate. It can affect us all. In our bodies. Our hearts. Our minds. And often, when that pain is emotional or mental, we are afraid to speak up.

None of us are “OK” all the time. And there shouldn’t be a stigma when we aren’t…..

…. If you think someone in your life needs help, ask them if they’re OK and make sure they know you’re there for them. And keep showing up. Help however you can.

If you are hurting, you can get through this. Tell someone you trust. And make sure you ask for help. “

Regardless of if you like the band and their music, this is such an important message. It is a message that everybody should hear. It should be spread far and wide. Pain does not discriminate, whether that be physical, emotional or mental pain. The stigma surrounding chronic pain, and mental health is awful! It can make you feel isolated. Isolated and dealing with so much pain, so much emotion, so much fear and so much worry and often confusion. It can feel like you are trapped, that everything is enclosing you, and you’re stuck! Stuck in a constant loop of pain and it can often feel like there is no escape.

It is important for people to know they are not alone, especially those with chronic health, and/or mental health issues.

Music can be truly inspirational and can be a powerful tool in a person’s journey. It can be a powerful tool for a person’s healing.

Personally, I love music. I love live music. I especially like songs that speak to me, whether that be the lyrics, the melody, harmonies used, anything! This song is one of those songs that is resonating with me! But on top of that, it’s message is great! It’s message is inspiring. It’s message is one of love and understanding. It’s about pain and the daily fight we have. It is about hope. Hope for more good days. Hope for our futures. And hope that one day, there might not be such a stigma attached! It’s a message to support one another. To ask for help when needed, to give help when needed. It is a reminder that people are feeling their way through life. They are facing their demons and struggles, on a daily basis. It is a powerful message to advocate!

Meet Tommy!

For a long time I have been wanting a cat and on Friday I finally got my wish. Everybody meet Tommy! Tommy is a rescue cat that we got from our local cat and dogs home. He is a year old and, as you can tell, is super cute.

The thing is, I am actually allergic to cats. I am perfectly willing to take antihistamines to help any reactions. That being said, my allergies have actually been ok with Tommy and Tommy is like a wee shadow with me at the moment and is coming to lie on top of me and next to me for lots of snuggles. In any case, having a pet has a lot of benefits.

  • Company
  • Routine
  • Distraction
  • Boost mood
  • Help relieve stress
  • Can boost self esteem
  • A sense of purpose
  • A conversation starter

Having a chronic illness, such as fibromyalgia, can be socially isolating so having a pet provides companionship. Not only that, but a pet has unconditional love for it’s owner. You can’t get dressed? A pet is not going to judge that. You are really tired? A pet is not going to judge that. In fact a pet, especially a cat or dog is likely to curl up next to you. Tommy has already been a great comfort for me in curling up next to me when I feel rubbish and feel like I cannot move.

Having a pet means having responsibilities. This weekend I have felt like I could not move and get out my bed. I have had to move to feed Tommy and to look after him. It might not be much but taking care of him is like taking care of myself. I gave Tommy food, so I had something to eat myself. It has made me feel like I have a purpose and I am not completely useless.

All weekend I have been texting my friends about Tommy and all the funny things he has done. He’s been a good distraction from my pain. I think he knows I am in pain. He keeps coming over to me and lying next to me. It’s been a sore weekend, but I have been the happiest I have been in a while and it’s due to having Tommy around.

Remember to be nice to people, you don’t know the struggles they may be having. They are just feeling their way through life, the same as you are.

If you are able to give an animal a forever home, I fully recommend it. I feel it has a lot of positives, for myself and for Tommy.

Vivid Foliage

Recently I have been trying to be more creative in my quest to self manage my health.

I took part in a group called Threadlines set up by the Paisley Townscape Heritage and Conservation Regeneration Scheme. Threadlines is a group of artists who take part in activities that explore my home town’s printed textile industry.

Check out what the amazing ladies do on instagram at @threadlines_

Through attending the group, I met a group of amazing ladies. The group became more than exploring creativity and the towns heritage. It was about building self esteem and self belief. It was about being social, being able to talk to other people.

In the group we drew inspiration from local nature and foliage and print from old weaver journals. This weekend, as part of the Scottish Mental Health Arts Festival, the pieces of work that was produced was exhibited and there was a DIY printing station set up, along with the launch of the collaborative newspaper that we put together.

Remember to treat each other kindly because you don’t know the struggle that they may be facing. People are all just trying to feel their way through life.

Sister, Sister

Earlier today I read an article entitled “Sibling Relationships Are Cradle To Grave” and it got me thinking about the relationship that I have with my own sister.

People who know me either personally know my sister or at least know of her. She is a huge part of my life. She is a lot more than a sister to me.

Kaitlyn and I have been close from a young age. Due to problems within the family setting, we stuck together young. It was, and still is, my wish to shield and protect Kaitlyn from everything that was being said and done around us. I remember just looking at what was going on between the adults and thinking that through it all I was going to be making sure that she was as safe as possible. That she knew she was not alone and had someone to help her, she had someone to talk to and could trust in all the crazy going on around us. This feeling has never left me. I would do anything for this little one!

As a result, if I was going out with friends, I would often bring Kaitlyn with me. Even in school, each of us could talk to the others friends at break time/lunch. I never thought this was strange. However, what I did find strange, was when people asked me about how I could spend so much time with my sister when all they did with their siblings was fight. I am glad to say that we have never had a period of time when all we have done was argue. We are human, and we can annoy the other but we have never had any proper arguments with negative outcomes or anything. I am very glad of this, I know that I am not the easiest of people to live with, especially on bad days.

Today, my friends are Kaitlyn’s friends too. If I am invited somewhere, there is an automatic invitation to Kaitlyn too. Which I love!

Kaitlyn is my sister. She is my protector. She is the person I go to in tears. She is the person I go to because I am happy. She is my friend, my best friend. My primary caregiver at times. She’s my rock. She has kept me going. She has been my carer… quite literally. She has helped me dress when I’ve been unable to myself. She has reached out to people and got me help and support that I needed. She has come with me to appointments, made sure I’ve taken my medication. She has been by my side through love, loss, heartache, good times, bad times.

Kaitlyn is one of the key people in my life, a key player in this journey. I am lucky to have such an amazing relationship with my sister, I cannot imagine it any other way. I hope and pray that we continue to be as close throughout life. I hope she knows just how much she means to me. There are no words strong enough to describe just how much love, respect and trust I have for her. I am so proud of her and the person that she is. She is so caring and resilient. She amazes me.

Relationships are tricky things, especially amongst family at times. I am blessed that to have such a good relationship with my sister. I know that not everybody is as lucky to have such an amazing relationship with a sibling. Treat each other with kindness and remember that everybody is just feeling their way through life.

It’s been a while…… ( and that’s ok)

My last blog post feels like it was a hundred years ago! Slight exaggeration… but it was quite a while ago.

I have said before, in a previous post, that I have been finding things difficult. That still stands!

In January this year, I began to attend counselling again. This was only a 6 session intervention. Around the same time I attended appointments (the initial assessment ended up being 3 appointments!) with a pain psychologist (which has led to further appointments). In these appointments I have been looking at my own behaviour, my past, trying relaxation and breathing exercises and been trying to find triggers for my anxiety as well as my pain amongst other things. At the moment, things feel muddled and my mood and pain levels are not good! I have been having more panic attacks and I felt like I have lost any form of being able to cope that I had managed to grasp onto. So I stopped blogging, I didn’t know what to write. I did not think that I had anything of meaning to share. I slipped into believing I was worthless, and could contribute nothing. Truthfully I stopped pretty much everything I was doing. I had no motivation. No energy. No interest in doing anything really.

That being said, I have continued to go to my appointments and I still am working on finding something that works for me. Finding a remedy to manage, or at least help manage, my condition.

I began to blog to try and work my way through my own journey with my mental health, through my fibromyalgia and through life struggles. I want my own story, my own experiences to be out there in the hope that it could potentially help somebody else. Even just to remind a person struggling that they are not alone. That they do not need to suffer alone. To know that it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to feel lost and not know what everything with themselves makes sense. To be a reminder that it is ok to reach out and ask for help. I really needed to remind myself of all this. I had to remind myself this multiple times and it has taken until now for me to put words down.

I needed these few months to try and focus on myself. To work through issues and try and practice some self care. The ironic thing is, me making this step to create a post again, is also a bit of self care. I think it is clear that I may need to take time out from blogging from time to time just to continue my journey and try and grow. As of now though, I am back! Back to put my experiences into the mix of what life with a chronic condition is like. Back to say that it is ok to take some ‘me’ time. It is ok to take time out when needed to recharge. I am going to continue to remind myself that I am enough. I have something to contribute, something of meaning. I am not worthless.

Be kind to people. You don’t know what struggles other people are going through. They will be just trying to feel their way through life the same as you are!

Time To Talk

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been struggling over the last few weeks. Although today (a Thursday) is not the usual day I post (a Sunday) I felt it would be a good day to upload something as it is Time to talk day. Time to talk day is part of the time to change initiative aiming to end stigma that surrounds mental health.

Talking about mental health is important. Starting a conversation with a person can have a huge impact. Starting a conversation with a person can be a step towards spreading awareness or ending stigma. More importantly, it benefits the person you are listening to. There is some truth in the old saying, “a problem shared is a problem halved.” Starting a conversation can change a person’s whole world. That might sound like an exaggeration, but the smallest thing can make the biggest changes. Talking to a person about mental health can remind them that they are not alone, it can give them a new perspective, it could potentially give them reasons to live.

I used to hold in my feelings, bottle them up. I didn’t like talking to people about my ‘problems’. I have people in my family that encourage not telling people personal business. I’m sure the saying is something like, “you don’t want to air dirty underwear”, that has been passed around. Not only that, but the advice tends to be “just get on with it.”

 

I have learned that bottling up my feelings is not good for me. Pressure builds and as an outcome, I break. I think this is why I am fairly open about what is going on in my life now.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot that has happened in my life that is too painful to talk about at times. There are things that I do not want to talk about or don’t feel ready to talk about. All that being said, mental health is a thing that I fully believe should be spoken about. I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to open up. I know the physical pain that can be felt from talking about things that you’ve pushed down deep. I know the confusion of trying to put feelings into words. I know the shame that can be felt from thoughts you have, reactions you have or the physical signs of what is going on.

However, I know I have people in my life who I can talk to. I know the people I can contact and talk to about anything, with no judgement only love and support. They might not fully understand what I am going through or what I am feeling, but they remind me I am not alone. They remind me of the good in the world and they provide me with hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that this feeling is not going to last forever. Hope for the future.

Find more information about the time to change campaign at https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/