It’s been a while….

It has been quite a while since I last blogged. Very nearly a whole month to be exact. I have just not been able to do it. I have not been feeling very well lately, at all. If you know me, or have been reading my blog you will know that I find a lot of things difficult but I have been trying to be more positive about things. I have been trying working on my health (my physical health, mental health and emotional health) and my general wellbeing. Like everything else on my journey, I was succeeding in some aspects and not so much in others. That is until last month, when I feel like I just hit a wall.

At the end of September the pain nurse advised a change in medication as the one I was on did not seem to be doing anything for my pain, but just giving me a bunch of side effects. Some of which were very difficult for me to cope with. So I had to decrease those tablets (let’s call them Tab A) and then start taking and increasing another tablet (Tab B). I was then taken off of Tab B after a short time as I had a bad reaction to them. So I was to start again – decrease Tab B to then start and increase Tab C. However, I also had problems with Tab C as I was taken off of a tablet I have been on for over a year to go onto this new one. So while I was coming off of Tab B, and starting Tab C to then increase that dosage, I was having to decrease the pill I have been on with the aim of coming off that one. All medication has side effects so I’m sure you can imagine the effect that all these medication changes have been having on me. As well as this treatment plan I have been issued other tablets to try and help me sleep. I stopped taking them though as they made me feel worse. No lie, my bedroom shelf is starting to look like a pharmacy! My GP told me that I was going to “be in for a rough few weeks” with all these medication changes so I knew it was going to be challenging.

Even with the knowledge that the changeover of medications was going to be difficult, I still took it quite hard. I have been very cold, but then very hot, the pain has increased, the little motivation I had disappeared, my appetites changed, my skin has changed, I’ve been emotional. Most days I stay in the house, usually in my bed. I feel like I have no ability to leave it. I feel like it is too painful. I feel like I do not have the energy. It has been hurting me to colour in, which has been a go to activity for me for years. If I feel stressed or need to calm down I go to the colouring books, with my felt tips and take the time to colour in. It has been a ‘coping technique’ for me for a while now. I was starting to find it difficult as I feel my coordination has been lacking recently, but then it was still able to keep me distracted for a while. My problems now include it feeling like the pens are rubbing off my fingers and it hurts to hold the pens.

I have found it difficult to go to my yoga/pilates class and I haven’t even been going to walk through the pool. I think it is a mixture of feeling ill and having no motivation. At my last pain management physio appointment the nurse told me that she wasn’t going to be giving me another appointment at this time. She would like to give me time to try and get my medication sorted and settled before refocusing on attending my classes and doing the specific exercises that she gives me for “homework”. I’ve just to continue trying to move so that I do not stiffen up too much. Instead, I have to focus on keeping in contact with my friends and family and spend time with them when I can. She feels this will be more beneficial for me at this time. Once I am more settled then I have to phone her and make another appointment for us to set more physical goals. She also told me that I have to “stop being so hard on myself!” This is something that I have been told multiple times throughout my life. It is just very irritating feeling that you used to be able to do something, or should be able to do something and cannot now. I don’t know why but her telling me this seemed to really resonate with me. As I said, I have been told this a thousand times before. I don’t know what made that time any different? It got me thinking though. I think in some ways, on top of feeling rubbish, I am also punishing myself for not being able to do things. Which is not really fair to myself. I had been making an effort. I was having victories. I just need to take some time to feel a bit better, and hopefully get my medication and sleep sorted out and I’ll be back on track. This could be, or is, just a bump in the road on my journey. Just an obstacle to overcome.

I decided to get a flu vaccination this year too, which in hindsight was maybe not a good idea when I had so much going on in my body already. However, hopefully I will have protection from the flu! I will post more about my decision to get the flu jab another time, I think. On my last GP visit I told him that I was still feeling horrible and we spoke about some of the symptoms/side effects I have been experiencing and he checked me over. I have ‘flu like symptoms’ and he has given me anti-inflammatories to take as I have been having really bad earache and I also have tablets to take to protect my stomach lining with all these changes. My shelf is even more like a pharmacy unit! I am lucky though, throughout all this my GP has been really good and he is listening to me and he is having me in to keep uptodate, and to “keep an eye on things.” Especially while I am so run down. However, on a positive note, I had very good blood pressure! I feel this is a victory!

Things still feel very much up in the air for me. I still feel rubbish all the time but I also feel like I am being neglectful in not blogging. As well as feeling ill, I feel like the longer that I haven’t posted, the harder it is has been to get back into it. I was really hoping that once I started something would come, and it has! Another victory! I have been trying to be easier on myself, and I have been trying to do things that aren’t staying in bed all day. Try is all I can do though! Anastacia’s lyrics,

“Cause I’m sick and tired

Of always being sick and tired,”

keep going through my head. I know the song is not about being physically sick and tired but I feel the line is very apt for the way I am currently feeling! I am “sick and tired of always being sick and tired!” This post is my first step to try feeling my way through this hurdle, the first try at getting over that bump in my journey.

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